Attachments and Living The Abundant Life

June 24, 2006 at 2:30 pm (Abundant Life, Attachments, Christian Inspiration, Family)

Awhile back, I asked my DH to set up some appointments with a Christian counselor, and he went for one visit back in early May.  I have already been for some visits myself with a wonderful one.  Unfortunately, I'm afraid his commitment is really not there, and I don't believe he has any plans to go back, but that's not really what I wanted to talk about here.  At that first and only visit, the counselor gave him a book to read and a separate DVD series on "Attachments."  The book has nothing to do with the DVD series, and I don't even know if he ever even bought the book.  I know he never watched the DVD's either, but a few days ago, I decided to watch them, as I'm probably going to just carry them back to the counselor's office one day next week.  I don't feel right about keeping them here any longer when someone else could be using them.

What I really wanted to post about is just how good this information was on the DVD's.  This was a taped discussion of two Christian counselors.  Before I let go of them, I'm going to take some notes to keep for myself.  A lot of it was very interesting and truly eye-opening for me.  It talked about the four different types of attachment (ways different people attach), which I guess is pretty well known but totally new to me.  I did find much of this same information online at Wikipedia, just without the comparisons to what is stated in the bible.  

Here is the link to Wikipedia for more information about the four styles: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_theory

  • Secure – It is relatively easy for me to become emotionally close to others. I am comfortable depending on others and having others depend on me. I don't worry about being alone or having others not accept me. (positive self, positive others) 
  • Dismissive – I am comfortable without close emotional relationships. It is very important to me to feel independent and self-sufficient, and I prefer not to depend on others or have others depend on me. (positive self, negative others)
  • Preoccupied – I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but I often find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don't value me as much as I value them. (negative self, positive others)
  • Fearful – I am somewhat uncomfortable getting close to others. I want emotionally close relationships, but I find it difficult to trust others completely, or to depend on them. I sometimes worry that I will be hurt if I allow myself to become too close to others. (negative self, negative others)

I can already tell some of my own tendencies just after watching the series, but I would still like to take the attachment style test at some point, too.  Here is one that I found online, and I may take it sometime this weekend, although I will likely not post my results here.

One point from the series I wanted to share right now that seems so appropriate in so many ways is that we are designed by God for relationships.  We were not meant to go through life on this earth alone.  We are built for many different kinds of relationships, and God desires us to live in those relationships to their fullest.  To a large degree, our upbringing defines how we handle our own relationships, and it backed that up with studies to support that point. 

How we handle our own emotions is also how we often handle our relationships, including our relationship with God.  Through exploration, counseling, etc., we can further understand how we can be more successful in our relationships and let go of some of the baggage that we may have learned from others or have developed on our own.  Like anything else worth having, it can be some work at times.  But, it's so worth doing because it's becoming who God meant for us to be.  Relationships are not designed to just throw away at the first hint of conflict.  That may sound obvious, but I think we see more and more of it today.  We are an "instant gratification" society, and we want everything to come fast and easy.  We don't want to feel pain, so if it hurts, just throw it away and move onto something or someone else.  Jesus spoke of the abundant life that is meant for us in so many ways. 

Are you living the abundant life?  I've asked myself that same question the past few days.  For me, at least, part of the path to living the abundant life is being in that secure realm of feelings toward self AND others. At one point, it talked about how people need supportive relationships in their lives, both giving and receiving.  What immediately came to mind for me is all of the wonderful support I have found online here in just the few months I've been here.  This is a place where we all can both give and receive, and that's a healthy thing.  It talked about how some people may struggle when their established network of family and/or friends moves away to another area.  I've had that with most all of my good friends over the years.  It talked about how stressful it can be when one who you have put your trust in does something to harm that trust relationship, and how hard it becomes to continue and build that relationship once the trust has been violated.  That doesn't just include spouses, but family, friends, pastors, etc.  Of course, this has happened to me in a huge way at home, but It dawned on me how many times this happens in our daily lives because of our human imperfections and weaknesses.  One of the things we need as much as food and water is our loving and supportive relationships.  We're "pre-wired" for them. 

To wrap this little discussion up, I truly believe this also impacts how we relate to God, too.  I know it does for me.  I'm an imperfect being and I have some baggage I bring to the table each time I sit down to talk to God.  However, God knows what the baggage is before I ever even show up, and he can see past it.  He is the only one that can truly do that.  God knows my heart, and how comforting it is to come into his presence as often as I can to experience that relationship with him.  I want abundant relationships in all aspects of my life.  I'm willing to do the work, if others are willing as well.  Perhaps I can also learn to let go of some of that baggage in my own relationship with God, too.

I'm no counselor… just a seeking child of God that's ready to lead more of the abundant life than i'm presently doing.  I'm tired of settling for scraps when the feast is sitting on the table and my chair is ready.   

The thief only comes to steal, kill, and destroy. I came that they may have life, and may have it abundantly.

- John 10:10

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May 11, 1970 – A Day of Tragedy

May 10, 2006 at 10:33 pm (Family, Tragedies)

It's been many years, but I remember it like it was yesterday.  I likely always will.

I was in the 6th grade.  We were watching the Carol Burnett Show in between some weather alerts from our television weatherman showing a clouded black and white radar screen.  Shortly before 10 pm., the electricity went out, the wind picked up dramatically, and we could hear this awful noise that sounded like a large train, or worse.  My father tried to walk out the front door, which faced to the south, and it blew him back into the front hallway.  So, any attempt to get to our neighbor's house across the street to their storm cellar was now futile.  My mother escorted me to the cedar lined closet in the center of our home, and she sat with me in there, hugging me the whole time.  My father waited just outside the closet, as it sounded like all hell was breaking loose outside.  We did not know where my older sister was, as she was out with a friend studying.  My brother was overseas in Thailand.  My mother prayed, and I prayed right along with her.

At one point, we heard a very loud crash, and later discovered it was our huge maple tree in the backyard that had crashed very near to the house.  Our back fence also crashed as well.  About 20 minutes later, we were brave enough to emerge from the closet, and shortly after that, all the neighbors emerged from their homes in their front yards to make sure that everyone was ok.  Our homes had been spared, even though their was considerable damage to all the trees, fences and anything else that was outdoors, including the cars.  My sister made it home a couple of hours later, and she had been safe at her friend's house on the west side of town.  We were grateful for the fact that our huge tree was blown away from the house instead of toward it, or it would have probably crashed right through the roof.  We were without electricity and water for about 24 hours, but we fared much better than other parts of the city.

The F5 tornado proceeded to touch down just a couple of miles past our house, and ran a wide path of destruction through the center, downtown and north areas of our city.  It killed 26 people and injured 500 or more.  If this tornado had hit during the daytime when the downtown area was more heavily populated, it would have been much, much worse.  At 10 pm on a Monday night, it was basically a ghost town in that area except for a few people working night shifts.  DH lived much closer to the touchdown area, and he and his parents and a few neighbors were in their backyard storm cellar.  He has described his father and another man struggling to keep the door of the cellar from blowing off by holding the rope with all their strength as the tornado went right over them.  The rope was tied off and had a big weight on one end, but the force of the wind was still trying to pick up the door.  The first touchdown was less than a half mile from his home.

Our city pulled together and rebuilt the affected areas better than before.  A new civic center was built as the Memorial Civic Center to honor those 26 people that perished in that very area of town.  I'm sure in this day and time, we would have much better warning.  Some said that this tornado (or two tornadoes) was about a mile wide at one point.  I hope I never, ever encounter such a thing again in my life.  Some say we are overdue for another hit, based on statistics.  May 11 each year never goes by in my city without a reminder of what we all once went through and thoughts of those that perished.  Every year, I always look at my watch or the clock in my home at 9:46 pm, as that was the time that all of our clocks stopped that night.

May God protect us all from another such horror in our lifetimes.

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Fruit of the Spirit – Peace

May 10, 2006 at 11:36 am (Christian Inspiration, Fruits of the Spirit, Peace)

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires." (Galatians 5: 22-24, New International Version) 

Ecclesiastes 3

A Time for Everything

 1 There is a time for everything,
       and a season for every activity under heaven: …

 8 a time to love and a time to hate,
       a time for war and a time for peace.

It is interesting to do a search for particular words or concepts throughout the bible.  Looking for "peace" in the bible is no different.  The most common antonym of "peace" is "war," and that is also evidenced in the verse from Ecclesiastes above.  I generally think of "war" as those dreadful battles fought with bombs and guns.  At this point in my life, my own search is more directed toward personal peace, and I didn't necessarily see the opposite of this as being "war."  I would have considered it to be "discontent" or something to that effect.  But, that's really not the case.  I realized that there really is a "war" inside of me at times that is keeping me from God's peace.  Peace is not contentment, like joy is not happiness.  It is larger than that.  It does feel like a "war" of sorts, too.  It is a "war" with my selfish soul.

Like the fruit of joy, peace is also a result of my relationship with God.  I searched, and continue to search, my heart for those things that are keeping me from that realtionship and from real joy in my life.  That process also leads to a path of peace as well. 

In my readings of scripture that address "peace," one chapter has particularly struck home with me from Proverbs.  It speaks about wisdom and understanding, and it has convicted me today.  I need to continue to study the word of God more and gain wisdom and understanding in all things.  I have been seeking wisdom "in my own eyes" all too often.  It is worthly to give much of this chapter in Proverbs for better understanding.  I have highlighted what really speaks to me right now.  It also struck me that this chapter is what I would like to tell both of my own children right now, as both are graduating this month.  If I desire for my own children to learn these things, I can only imagine how God wants me to learn them as well.

Proverbs 3

Further Benefits of Wisdom

 1 My son, do not forget my teaching,
       but keep my commands in your heart,

 2 for they will prolong your life many years
       and bring you prosperity.

 3 Let love and faithfulness never leave you;
       bind them around your neck,
       write them on the tablet of your heart.

 4 Then you will win favor and a good name
       in the sight of God and man.

 5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
       and lean not on your own understanding;

 6 in all your ways acknowledge him,
       and he will make your paths straight.

 7 Do not be wise in your own eyes;
       fear the LORD and shun evil.

 8 This will bring health to your body
       and nourishment to your bones.

 9 Honor the LORD with your wealth,
       with the firstfruits of all your crops;

 10 then your barns will be filled to overflowing,
       and your vats will brim over with new wine.

 11 My son, do not despise the LORD's discipline
       and do not resent his rebuke,

 12 because the LORD disciplines those he loves,
       as a father the son he delights in.

 13 Blessed is the man who finds wisdom,
       the man who gains understanding,

 14 for she is more profitable than silver
       and yields better returns than gold.

 15 She is more precious than rubies;
       nothing you desire can compare with her.

 16 Long life is in her right hand;
       in her left hand are riches and honor.

 17 Her ways are pleasant ways,
       and all her paths are peace.

 18 She is a tree of life to those who embrace her;
       those who lay hold of her will be blessed.

 19 By wisdom the LORD laid the earth's foundations,
       by understanding he set the heavens in place;

 20 by his knowledge the deeps were divided,
       and the clouds let drop the dew.

 21 My son, preserve sound judgment and discernment,
       do not let them out of your sight;

 22 they will be life for you,
       an ornament to grace your neck.

 23 Then you will go on your way in safety,
       and your foot will not stumble;

 24 when you lie down, you will not be afraid;
       when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.

The ways of wisdom are "pleasant."  That's such an enticing thought in the midst of the turmoil of so many things in my life.  I want to embrace that "tree of wisdom" and heal my hurting soul.

I sympathize with poor ol' Job in chapter 3 right now to some extent.  Job is having a major "pity party" in those verses, and I've been there and done that plenty of times.  I won't list them here.  It's all documented there in chapter 3.  I could substitute my own modern equivalents to everything he is feeling in that verse.  Job was not at peace, and I'm not at peace.  My sinful self continues to battle God to have it's own way all too often.  It's ok to cry to God when I'm hurting, and that is actually what I need to do.

Job, chapter 22, finally gives the statement below that states the solution very simply.

 21 "Submit to God and be at peace with him;
       in this way prosperity will come to you.

"Submit to God."  What powerful words.  It's not an easy thing for me to "submit" to anything, as I'm a pretty strong-willed person.  But, I also don't like my own results.  I see where my own thinking has gotten me in some instances.  God knows what is best for me, and things in my life will not be as they should until I submit everything, my entire being and all I do, to God. 

I have more bible research to do on this.  I suspect that I will also need to identify the things that I am still going to "war" with God over.  This process is all for naught if I don't dig deeply to see how it applies to me.

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Where I’m From

May 7, 2006 at 2:38 pm (Family, Family of Origin)

Where I'm From…

I am from eight-track tape players, from Zenith black and white televisions, cherry lime drinks at the drug store, and giant Sweettarts.

I am from the standard ranch-style home with three bedrooms, two bathrooms, two car garage, the smell of our home-cooked dinner every evening, homemade pies, including the crust, cookies and loving neighbors.

I am from huge pecan trees and sweet honeysuckle along the fence.

I am from opening presents on Christmas Eve, summer trips to the lake, weekends riding mini-bikes with my cousins, my homemaker mother, my hard-working self-employed father, and my maternal grandmother, who was the most loving and perfect soul on this earth.

I am from the love and support of extended family and many untimely deaths and tragic events in the same.

I am from "clean your plate" at every meal and "don't make me get the flyswatter" when I disobeyed. 

I am from small church Methodism, covered dish dinners, weekly youth group meetings, best friends, youth pastors, summer retreats to the mountains, praise songs around a campfire, smores, singing in the choir, and loving friends of my parents that were some of the best cooks in the world.

I'm from West Texas with German and Indian ancestors, homemade mac and cheese, homemade apricot pie, and homemade ice cream every weekend in the summer.

I am from the courage of my paternal grandfather (who I never knew) to build a business that would ultimately provide the livelihood for my father to support us, the anguish of my mother who lived with a loving alcoholic father, and the true and honest friendship of my cousin who was killed the week we both graduated from high school.

I am from oil paintings of me, my brother and my sister hanging on the living room wall in our home, hallway pictures in old frames of my parents, grandparents, great-grandparents, drawers full of slides taken on vacations and holidays, and now a single picture of my father alone on the shelf - the same one that was on display at his funeral.

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Fruit of the Spirit – Joy III

May 4, 2006 at 11:58 pm (Christian Inspiration, Family, Fruits of the Spirit, Joy)

 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires." (Galatians 5: 22-24, New International Version) 

God has a way of working in my life in such mysterious ways.  My recent study on "joy" has been such a blessing to me, but I could never have realized that it was probably preparing me for the recent events with my sister. 

My sister suffers from manic/depression and she likely now has a pretty significant chemical dependency problem as well, as she is now supplementing "additional meds" of her own, such as alcohol and sleeping pills.  She tried to overdose on some of these "additional meds" last Friday, and our family had a very wild weekend because of this.  It also put me on a bit of a wild ride personally as well.  I have had so much experience in this realm of life with my own husband that I am fairly comfortable in dealing with this now.  There is still a small part of me that feels the absolute terror of this, though.  The terror strikes deep in my soul from old memories past, not from the present circumstances. 

This is actually one of the items on my pity-party thorn list (see Joy II).  I want to document my thoughts on this since I've just come off of yet another episode with her.  This one has other related issues, but I'll just start with the main issues for me.  I'll take the steps in order, as listed in Joy II.

1.  Calling it by name:  I am resentful that I have to continue to have to deal with my 56 year-old sister and her seemingly endless issues, when she is not even willing to tell her own adult children about her problems.  It's been going on now for almost 20 years, and I am resentful of how my 84 year-old mom and I continue to be the primary people to have to deal with her.  I am resentful and angry that she seemingly does not even want to get better in this, but doesn't mind dragging mom and me "through the mud" along with her.  As much as I resent being brought into this, I resent it for my mom even more.  If not for my mom, I could detach in love much easier from this situation when needed.  But since my 84 year-old mom continues to jump in and then expect me to immediately rescue her from the situation once she does that, it is almost impossible for me to detach from this, as I cannot abandon my mom to deal with this alone.  She is in over her head, and she refuses to get counseling for her own codependency problems.

2.  Pray over this: (private prayers)

3.  Examine the good or the lesson(s) learned:  It's no wonder that the following verse from the book of James kept coming to mind as I had a chance to consider yet again why I am put in a position to deal with something like this. 

1:2 My brothers and sisters, consider it nothing but joy when you fall into all sorts of trials, 1:3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance. 1:4 And let endurance have its perfect effect, so that you will be perfect and complete, not deficient in anything.

There's a simple parallel in my workout routine.  I started back at the gym several weeks ago.  It was hard thing to do, and I had to just go by sheer will power alone for the first few times.  After once again getting into the routine, I started to feel better physically and found some of my strength that I had lost from not going for several months.  Good things started happening, slowly but surely.  A few days ago, I tried testing a new level by increasing the weights from 30 lbs to 40 lbs on some of the machines.  I found that I couldn't easily do my 50 reps at that level, but I vowed to continue giving it a try each day after doing my reps at the 30 lb level.  In less than a week, I can now do twice as many reps at the higher weight level (30 vs. 15), and I feel so good because I can see visible progress.  It's working outside my comfort zone, and it honestly hurts a little bit, too.  But, I know the benefits down the road will be good for me.  I suspect that three months from now, the struggle with this new weight level will be a distant memory, and I will be physically stronger. Likewise, the testing of my faith produces endurance, and endurance has a perfect effect on me.  It helps me to be a complete person, not deficient in anything. 

Why have I been put in a position to deal with those that suffer from mental illness and addictions?  I can honestly say that 20 years ago, this was a thought that would have devastated me.  This was a huge fear I had in my life.  I have never even considered taking anything illegal, and I don't even like to take prescription meds unless it is absolutely necessary.  I have a glass of wine or a margarita about three or four times a year, and that's about it.  I have never been diagnosed with any form of mental illness, although I guess we all feel "depressed" times in our lives. 

The verse above from James, chapter 1, helps me to answer that question.  God has had me confront this fear head-on for years now.  It was a part of me that was a deficiency in God's eyes.  If I really want to know how I have profited from this situation, I need to look at this and examine how God has used this to help me grow closer to Him and fill my deficiencies.

a.  At this point, I know that my heart is much softer and understanding than it once was for those that suffer from these horrible things in their lives.  I cannot fully understand it, but I do have more understanding and compassion than I once did.  I like the fact that I "get it" as far as being able to feel compassion for a person that some in our society would just completely discount because of lack of understanding.  I can get beyond the stereotypical stuff and look at who that person really is, and I can enjoy their company so much.  Having compassion does not mean that I have to get "sucked in" to their issues, though.  I understand this is God's will for me and His direct work in me, and that brings me real joy. 

b.  I also feel much more confident and compassionate in dealing with illnesses in general. I feel that I can be a consoling person to someone in need.  I guess I can say that "I've been there and done that."  Not only have I dealt with my sister's mental illnesses and my husband's addictions, I have also dealt with a major surgery of my own, terminal cancer in my father and my father-in-law, chronic asthma in both of my children, heart disease and a total of four open heart surgeries in my father and brother, and diabetes in my mother-in-law and brother, who has now had a leg amputated.  In thinking back over the past 15 years when I started dealing with my children's serious asthma episodes, I remember all too well the terror I felt each time I rushed them to the ER.  I went alone most of the time, usually in the middle of the night, as my husband wouldn't come with us because he had been drinkng.  God was there for us, but it was so frightening and I learned what it felt like to be completely terrified that I would lose one of my children.  It was hard to try to be strong for my kids outwardly when I was crashing inside from fear for them and simultaneous anger toward my husband.  What a work God has done in me since then.  I no longer fear going to hospitals for any reason, and frankly, there's just not much that can scare me right now in dealing with illnesses.  I've seen people die.  I was holding my father's hand when he peacefully passed.  I've also seen miracles happen through various forms of recovery.  This is another area where God has schooled me in compassion for others, those that are sick, as well as those that love them.  I understand how people can be so terrified when they are in the hospital or a loved one is in the hospital.  I know from my own experience that this is a time to be there for others, because there wre so many dark times in days gone by that I was all alone.  As with the first item, I understand this is God's will for me and His direct work in me, and that brings me real joy. 

c.  This particular incident with my sister this weekend led to welcome growth as an extended family, at least for those that chose to participate.  It's just a start, but a good one.  I believe God used this meeting to impart some desperately needed information to all parties concerned, but especially to her sons.  I had to truly give this whole thing to God, as it could have devastated me to tell her sons some of the things we had to tell them.  So, the experience of giving it to God and experiencing His power in both the process and the results is a confirmation of His presence for us, His love for us, and a source of real joy. 

d.  I also learned that I am still not as strong as I would like to be, meaning physical strength, emotional strength, and strength to trust in God in *every moment* of the situation.  I did lapse into some brief anger and frustration at one point early on, and it did me no good.  I got angry inside at everyone for a short time.  The ol' "why me" once again rose to the surface for a little while.  I really don't like that at all, and it makes me sad.  On Friday night, I went back and read my two previous posts on joy, and God's message for me was obvious.  The testing of my faith produces endurance, and endurance has a perfecting effect on me.  God wants me to continue growing and perfecting and coming back to Him when I fail.  Even when I fail in my own strength, I am stronger for returning to God once again. 

4.  Give it to God:  I now confess that I remain powerless in this situation with my sister.  I recognize my deficiency in this area, and I now desire to give it to God and relinquish the stronghold this has had on my life for years.  God has demonstrated that He is willing to take it from me, if I will only trust Him to do that.  I desire and pray for a loving and healthy relationship with my sister.

Today, I am truly grateful for this opportunity to experience a little more growth.  God has given me a period of peace following this struggle, and I am so grateful for that.  God is patient with me, and I can see where I've made progress in this.  That gives me hope for the future.

There's more work for me to do to become a stronger person, and that includes a component of physical strength, too.  It hit me like a 2×4 while walking on the treadmill recently.  In addition to my daily study and quiet time, I need the discipline of regular physical training for both my physical and emotional well being.  Perhaps someone more knowledgable can state why this is so from a scientific standpoint, but I know it's true.  I think that physical strength and endurance can also help promote emotional strength and endurance as well.  God wants me to be a healthy person in all respects.

It's fairly easy for me to trust God when everything is rocking along to my satisfaction, but that's when I also tend to become more complacent.  God is good, and He works on me a little at a time.  Complacency is apparently not an option right now.  He apparently still needs to do quite a bit of work in me… 

Special note:  I know that someone may read this post that is also dealing with loved ones with similar afflictions.  In no way am I saying that I am glad that my sister suffers from them.  I would not wish that on anyone.  But, it is what it is.  I have had lots of outside help in learning to cope with addicts, too.  This is not something that anyone should ever have to go through alone.  If this is you, I pray that you will constantly seek God and be open to getting help and support from others.  Look specifically for those groups that still profess that God is the power that is needed in your life, not some unnamed "higher power."  I had a lot of "crash-course" work I had to go through in the early days of dealing with addictions in others.  I hope and pray you will find the joy in this in your own life, as you meet this challenge head on.

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Fruit of the Spirit – Joy II

April 26, 2006 at 5:01 pm (Christian Inspiration, Fruits of the Spirit, Joy)

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires." (Galatians 5: 22-24, New International Version) 

I know why God sent me to that link I posted in my first post on joy.  I knew it the moment I got there and started reading.  If you didn't read the information at that link in my first post on joy, it has some really good information on the topic of joy. 

I'm tired.  I'm somewhat tired physically, but since starting back to the gym, I'm feeling a little better physically than I have in quite some time.  A huge thanks to some of you pals that inspired me with your own efforts toward better physical health. 

I'm just emotionally tired for the most part right now.  The author of that article sensed that this is becoming more of an issue for many of us, including himself to a certain extent.  My emotional strength is diminished.  It's slowly been eroding away over the past six years.  I've fought my share of issues of my own and with family members during this time.  I started to list them all out here, but I decided that would constitute a "pity party," and I'm not going to go there, except to mention that I did have one major surgery in 2000 that has really impacted me in many ways, but that has probably been the least of the issues at hand.  Let's just suffice it to say there's been enough to deal with… more than enough with multiple family members.  I listed all of this out for my counselor last June, and she was a little shocked and explained that she thought I was holding up pretty good for having dealt with all that.  I can only attribute that to God's grace so far and nothing else.  This has not been a total devastation for me, but I am not where I want to be by any stretch. 

One of the best ways for me to describe this state is that it feels like I continue to be stuck with "thorns or stickers."  I'm rollin' right along, things are good, life is full, and then "wham."  There's something that's sticking me.  Before I get that thorn out, here comes another one, then another and another.  Over the past six years, I think I've been stuck with many different thorns of varying degrees.  They're not the little thorns that I can get out with a pair of tweezers either.  They're those big nasty ones, and the pain of them is keeping me from the joy of my relationship with God because I'm focused on them so intently.  The hurt from them seems to be equally as painful as the real thing, if not worse. 

So, how do I go about regaining my personal strength after all this?  Where do I start to rid myself of these thorns?  What is separating me at times from God and the joy of that full relationship once again?  Here is the verse that came to my attention, and it is one that I already know pretty well.  I recognize it for the song lyrics we used to sing back in youth group days.

Chapter 8 of Nehemiah states the following in verse 10…

[10] Then he said unto them, Go your way, eat the fat, and drink the sweet, and send portions unto them for whom nothing is prepared: for this day is holy unto our Lord: neither be ye sorry; for the joy of the LORD is your strength.

John Wesley's commentary also makes the following statements associated with this verse.

Eat:  Feast before the Lord.

Send:  For the relief of your poor brethren.

Holy:  Being the feast of trumpets, and the beginning of this joyful month, wherein so many days of thanksgiving were to be observed.

Strength:  Rejoicing in God in serving him with cheerfulness, and thankfulness, which is your duty always, but now especially, will give you that strength both of mind and body, which you greatly need, both to perform all the duties required of you, and to oppose all the designs of your enemies.

Wesley's last comment on *strength* really speaks to me directly.  "Rejoicing" is something that I have not been faithful in doing.   This is no doubt one of the obstacles in my path to a fuller relationship with God and true joy right now.  Rejoicing and giving thanks can help me to regain the "strength" I've lost in both mind and body to do the things I need to do and to fight off the efforts of my enemies.  I believe, for me, that I am *still* holding onto some things, even though they are thorns, and I need to let go of and turn them over to God once and for all.  I am shutting God out of the picture, and I am putting up a wall up to actually keep him away from a few of these things.  It's not because I want to or feel I am more qualified.  I am scared because the status quo might change.  I've actually grown used to some of the thorns.  But, I'm tired of the struggle, and I'm scared.  I'm also losing my capacity to deal with the hurt on my own.  I love God, and I truly want to experience that full relationship with Him in every way.

If I continue to live my life as a victim of people and circumstances, then I am not living the victorious life God intended for me.  Those people and circumstances will continue to "stick me like thorns" and hold me in their grasp and maintain power over me as long as I allow it.  I need to realize my true powerlessness over these things once and for all and give them to God.  This is a step I must take to once again to start back on the road to fully trusting in God and experiencing the joy of that relationship in its' fullest again. 

I have thought much about the crucifixion of Jesus for the past few days… really pondered on it.  Many years ago, I learned of and accepted God's grace for me through the nails of Jesus on the cross.  I'm sure many of us could write pages on the truth and mercy of this, and I am so thankful for this and feel so unworthy of it.  But, for the past several days, I have thought more about the thorns on Jesus' head.  I can't really say that I've given it much thought before.  I know the depth of the wound it probably created, and I know that I cannot even begin to comprehend the pain and suffering from that alone, much less the wounds from the nails.  What is the message for me today in those thorns?  Well, just like the nails that Jesus took for me and my sins, Jesus wore the crown of my own thorns… those deep hurts in my life.  He has already won the victory over them, too.

Numbers 33 states the following in verse 55:

55 "But if you do not drive out the inhabitants of the land from before you, then those you let remain of them will be as pricks in your eyes and as thorns in your sides, and they will harass you in the land in which you dwell.

I just can't help but to see the practical application of the words in this verse to me right now.  These thorns are truly harassing me where I dwell.  There are more references to thorns in the bible, and they seem to be associated with things apart from God. However, Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 12:

Therefore, so that I would not become arrogant, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to trouble  me – so that I would not become arrogant.  12:8 I asked the Lord three times about this, that it would depart from me. 12:9 But he said to me, "My grace is enough for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." So then, I will boast most gladly about my weaknesses, so that the power of Chist may reside in me. 12:10 Therefore I am content with weaknesses, with insults, with troubles, with persecutions and difficulties for the sake of Christ, for whenever I am weak, then I am strong.

Perhaps I need to be open to the fact that some of these thorns are in my life for a purpose.  I see this in other people.  They live a life of joy, even through their afflictions. 1 Thessalonians 5 puts it directly to me, along with a few other worthy directives.

Be at peace among yourselves. 14 We exhort you, brothers, admonish the disorderly, encourage the fainthearted, support the weak, be patient toward all. 15 See that no one returns evil for evil to anyone, but always follow after that which is good, for one another, and for all.  16 Rejoice always. 17 Pray without ceasing. 18 In everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus toward you. 19 Don't quench the Spirit. 20 Don't despise prophesies. 21 Test all things, and hold firmly that which is good. 22 Abstain from every form of evil.

I love the book of James.  It always speaks to me, it seems.  James, Chapter 1, gives the reason "why" for the trials. 

1:2 My brothers and sisters, consider it nothing but joy when you fall into all sorts of trials, 1:3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance. 1:4 And let endurance have its perfect effect, so that you will be perfect and complete, not deficient in anything.

To start summing up, it's very much about rejoicing and giving thanks.  Rejoicing is a choice that I can make, and I believe it is also a result of the relationship with God.  It's also called an "attitude of gratitude."  It's easy for me to be grateful for the good things that come along, but much harder to be grateful for those things that are not what I want.  I kept a gratitude journal for an entire year, and it was a good thing for me.  One thing I never did, though, was express gratitude for all those things on my "pity party" list.  Those are my thorns, my "aces in the hole" to justify my misery, and I've worn them proudly.  I'm really tired of it, and I want something better for my life now.

At this point, I think it's time to go back to keeping the gratitude journal, and very soon, I need to examine each item on my "pity party thorn" list, give each one to God, and express my gratitude for what I gained from that experience.  Honestly, this will take some time and prayer.  Some will be easier than others, and I've got to be committed to this process every day from now on.  I started a good thing once and let it go. 

Here's the summary, and my agenda for "next steps"…

1.  Recognize specifically what I'm holding onto that's keeping me away from God and away from joy in my life.  Make a written list of the remaining thorns… "call them by name."
2.  Take each, one at a time and go to prayer over it.
3.  Examine the good or the lesson to be learned from it and give thanks for it.  If I can discover what good has been brought to me because of each person or circumstance, I will better be able to ultimately give it back to God forever, no matter the ultimate outcome – resentment can then die.
4.  Admit my utter powerlessness over the person or circumstance, give it completely to God …and… don't take it back, ever.  That's the hard part.
5.  Start a daily gratitude recognition routine again.  Tell people when I'm grateful for them, not just list it in a journal.  See the blessing in everything – actively look for it, no matter how small.  Look for the positive and not the negative.
6.  Spend regular quiet time and study time every day, with *rare* exception.  Busy-ness is not an excuse!
7.  Actively celebrate God and involve myself in things that uplift me.
8.  Look for ways to serve others and get out of myself more. 

"If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got."  Time for change.

 

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Fruit of the Spirit – Joy

April 22, 2006 at 6:39 pm (Christian Inspiration, Fruits of the Spirit, Joy)

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires." (Galatians 5: 22-24, New International Version)

I think God gives each of us burdens from time to time to explore some things a little further in depth to advance our spiritual growth in certain areas.  Right now, my burden is to explore the "Fruits of the Spirit."  I do not feel that I am living a life that exhibits the fruits of the spirit right now, and I want to grow in this area.  I want to work on crushing those sinful things within me that stand in the way of a fuller relationship with God.  I know this is a lifelong growth process, but I want to do some focused work right now.  If I am not experiencing these fruits in my life, there is likely something standing in the way in my relationship with God, and I want to seek out those things and confront them.  A friend said it best a while back.  Identify those things and call them by name. That is powerful stuff, and more than a little bit scary.

I'm going to try to pick a different "fruit" each week or so, and they may not necessarily be in order.  I'll let God work on me, and I'll try to be open to where He leads in this.  This week's focus will be on "joy."  I will likely spend about a week on each "fruit" right now, even though I may not post every day on it.  This is a private quest for me, but I vow to be as honest as possible in my posts.  I welcome anyone and everyone that would like to share in this over the next few weeks.  If you post on this, please let me know so that I can read it or make sure I have you as a sub.  I would honestly appreciate it.  I've already discovered that God is working powerfully in some of you. 

Here we go with "joy!"

Joy…
… Intense and especially ecstatic or exultant happiness
I listed a definition of  "joy" from the dictionary.  What strikes me is the word "intense."  What is the difference between "happiness" and "joy?"  Maybe the word "intense" helps to pinpoint it.  I also believe that happiness is a temporary thing for the most part, while joy is much deeper and more lasting in my life.  Joy also provides strength within.  Many people are perfectly content with happiness that comes and goes, possibly because they have not experienced true joy before.  Lots of things make me happy, but when do I feel true joy?  What's different about those situations?  Well, for me, it's a fairly simple answer.  I feel joy when I'm still in God's presence.  I feel joy when I'm working in His will.  I feel joy when I'm serving others in a good way, not a codependent way.  If I'm not feeling joy, I've probably pushed God to the side to do something I want to do for me.  Once I seem to get in a pattern of pushing God to the side, unfortunately it becomes easier to do and harder to reverse. 

One fairly simple example that jumps to mind is my eating habits.  It may seem like a trivial thing, but it's a part of this.  When I take care of myself and eat healthy, I actually feel a level of joy – so much more than happiness.  I feel myself in God's will, and I know that I'm doing what I really want to do for myself, too.  That's not to say it's easy, though.  Temptations come, and when I splurge and fall off the health wagon, I do feel a level of temporary happiness because I enjoyed the food, but I've lost the bigger joy.  That leads to guilt – a very destructive thing.  It's a vicious cycle, too.  The more I indulge myself in fleeting food happiness, the further I stray from real joy. 

A more complex matter is fighting worldly pleasures and goals.  For a very long time, I had the desire to be a very important person in the business world, and in the minds of some people, I actually accomplished this goal years ago.  This was partially driven by my own father's desires for me, as well as his own life example.  At the ripe old age of thirty-two, I was a Vice President of the largest bank in my city and managed operations employees at three separate banking centers.  I was one of the first female bank employees to achieve such a distinction.  But, it was not enough for me.  This goal, that I thought would make me fulfilled and content in life, had basically no effect except a level of happiness, which soon was gone.  It took a toll on my family, especially my very young children, even though I was still a good mom for the most part.  I just basically killed myself trying to be perfect in all things, and I slept about four hours a night.  I just rolled with the flow and took every promotion that came my way, and I started becoming a slave to the money I was making.  Ultimately, the money and prestige was not what God intended for me, and therefore, the happiness was soon gone.  It just became a burden in my life, and I never experienced real joy in this. 

I am so excited for people that truly know what God wants them to pursue, and they do it.  They are using the spiritual gifts that God gave them.  That sounds like such a simple thing.  Some find this calling early in life, and others find it later on.  They find the courage and are faithful to their calling.  I see the joy in them.  They cannot hide it.  People are drawn to them, and they bring God's love to those around them.  When adversity comes, they possess a strength that I sometimes have trouble comprehending. 

This is an area where I need to let God continue to work in my life.  I want to experience much more of this joy.  I want to be a faithful contributor in this world to God and to others.  I want it to be about Him, not me.  I want my own desires for mere happiness to disappear so that I can open the door to real joy in my life, and I want to keep that door open, not slam it shut anymore.

Here are some times that I can testify that I have felt true joy.  I've had to really search within to discard some times that were actually just happiness and not true joy…

I feel joy in worship, whether I'm sitting in church, in my car or in my chair in my bedroom… my "alone" place.

I feel joy when I read my Bible  or write in my journal and discover yet another thing about God that I never knew before.

I feel joy when I hold a new baby, as I realize this is a new life straight from God's being.

I feel joy when I've done something to help someone else, either physically or emotionally.

I feel joy when I've taken care of myself in a good way, even though it may have been some hard work.

I told people for many years that all I want in life is to be happy, and I've also told my kids that this is what I want for them as well.  I think this needs to be redefined.  I don't desire just happiness … I desire true joy.  Striving only for happiness is selling God short in what he wants to do for me and through me.  Joy comes from the Father, it is deep and lasting, and it radiates from those that have it like a beautiful halo.  The selfish and evil things of the world have trouble penetrating it.

I asked God to send me to some information that would speak to me about this.  If you don't think God will have His way when given the chance, check out where He sent me on the very first try.  Those of you that read my protected posts on Xanga will likely understand a little more fully. 

Here is a great link on joy. 

I don't know this author.  I only know God sent me to this information today.  If you've followed me this far, please follow that link to understand how God has worked on me through this post today.   It will take you about 15 seconds to see it.   "Joy can give you strength only if you posses it."  This is just one of many truly thoughtful things presented there.  There is so much good stuff there that I'll probably have a few more thoughts later,too.  Read it and see if God doesn't speak to your own heart as well.  Yes, I have just been blessed with a measure of joy for God once again being revealed in all his mercy.  He is sitting at my side and holding my hand.

I will continue to seek out those situations that bring me real joy, and I will spend more time talking with the Creator who knows me and what my place in the world is to be. 

I wish you pure joy this week!  I hope you'll share where you find it, as well as what keeps you away from joy.  I think someone needs to develop us a smilie for "joy" now that has a little glow around it!  

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